God?

Well I don't even know how I can talk about the past few days. It has been a roller coaster. The only ups would be the love and support I have received from family and friends. And the big win of having them not release my Prince Charming with Advanced Renal Failure.

All I can comment on right now is the guilt I have for being mad at Eddie for not doing things in the house when his body was unable to function. I hate myself for this. The sadness I am feeling that my best friend in the world may have chronic kidney failure. Why him? I am the one that this should be happening to. He is so good. He never gets mad at me for not keeping up my end of things. My heart is so broken for him. I can't stand to see him go thru this.

I am missing work which I wouldn't go to in a million years I need to be with him and with my kids. Easter is coming up, I don't think I will have the money for Easter baskets for the kids, they don't ask for much. They all did have one thing, but with the chance of Eddie going out on disability I don't know how I can spend any money. Of course I will get them some candy, but my babies will learn a lesson about doing without even when they are doing without their Daddy right now.

I will continue to pretend to be strong. But the ache I am feeling sometimes takes my breathe away. I don't want to live without him. Even though I can be naggy, I love him 1,000 more then the day we were married, I didn't even know that was possible. I will never take him for granted and I will even let him cuddle me when I am sweating in the middle of the night. These past few nights even as I hit the bed completely exhausted I still miss him so much, I feel broken : (